Family Issues Archives

Movin' Aside and Letting Go
By Nancy Miller, Ph.D.

Several parents have written to us about separating issues, about their concerns of "letting go" of their children. The most familiar assumption about separating (of children from their parents) in our society is that it's the time when kids leave the nest to go to college, move away to take a job, move into an apartment with a friend, join the armed services, or get married. This is, of course, the kind of separating that takes place in "typical" families, and these are times that are hopefully filled with joy and realistically include apprehension (on the part of parents and children!). In the best-case scenarios, the parental feelings are those of having moved through all the typical stages of raising a child, with many successful separating experiences along the way. In many families, growing children have the opportunities to go visit their grandparents or other relatives, to stay overnight with friends, to go to camp.

Those of you who are reading this are probably parents of a child with a disability (or professionals who work with families, or the grandparents of a child with special needs, or a student, or...) and you know that the paragraph you just read doesn't precisely fit your situation. You know that "successful separating experiences" are often hard to come by. If your child has chronic medical needs, for example, you may not feel comfortable separating from your child even long enough to go out for a movie with your spouse.

If your child has behavior problems, the family-who-lives-next-door with a child the same age, and your otherwise-caring-and-involved relatives might not feel comfortable having your child visit.

If your child has developmental delays, there may be fewer opportunities for social experiences in the neighborhood, with peers from school (whether your child is in a special education or inclusive setting), with after-school activities such as sports, dance, music activities.

If your child has a learning disability that can interfere with following directions or judgment, you may feel like you need to limit his time away from you because of concerns for his social or physical safety.

BUT, if you have a child with special needs, successful separating experiences are one of the most important parenting goals you need to have. BECAUSE as your child grows up, your child needs to learn to be as self-sufficient as possible. As your child grows up and you want your child to have opportunities for community involvement, the more your child can do for herself, the greater the opportunities and the choices she will have. Separating experiences, no matter how short, how small, how simple, add up. They are all practice for such things as:

Learning to ask others for help - sometimes parents "know" what their child needs or wants, and a child often doesn't even have to ask, and can often learn to assume that other people will meet their needs or requests before they're even expressed.

Learning to receive help from others - this involves trusting and relying on other people, learning that there are often new ways to do familiar things, learning patience, and flexibility. Making decisions about what to eat when going to a restaurant with someone who doesn't know his likes and dislikes - even making the choice between chocolate and vanilla.

Learning to interact with others: asking and answering questions, engaging in a conversation, saying Please and Thank You.

Learning how to prevent or head off problems, or handle emergencies, by knowing how to call home, or 911, or ask for the help of people he is with.

Learning her own likes and dislikes, having the freedom to choose something different from what you might assume she wants. Feeling and building her competence while discovering her needs and limitations in a world apart from you.

Learning ways to deal with people who are uncomfortable, insensitive, unfamiliar with his disability difference.

Separating vs. Letting Go

Most parents would agree with what I've written about what a good thing separating can be - in the best of all possible worlds, which is not, of course, where we live. We live in a world that still contains people who do not always respect the rights and special needs of people with disabilities. We live in a world that isn't always accessible, either physically or socially. Many people out there feel uncomfortable around people with disabilities, although this is (finally) beginning to change. (Largely because there are more and more people with disabilities who are living and working and moving about on the streets, in offices, at athletic and social events, on television and in the movies.) You also know that there are probably people out there who are going to stare at your child, say hurtful things, discriminate against him. It's totally understandable that you want to protect your child from all that.

Successful separating means that parents have to "let go." They have to let go physically, which may be the easiest part. They have to let go emotionally, which is often the toughest part. Parents who have been long-term caregivers for their children often become their child's primary companions, also. And for some parents, their child with a disability becomes the parents' main companion and friend.

Letting go after years of non-separating experiences makes the prospect of an adolescent or adult child with a disability moving out of the home a very difficult change. Many parents feel a sense of impending loss and grief, and even guilt. They may believe that no one else can take care of their child (or adult child) as well and as carefully as they can.

I have an answer for that issue: they're probably right. No one else may be able to read subtle cues that signal hunger, or irritation, or stubbornness. No one else will automatically know that she likes coffee with a level teaspoon of sugar. No one else may know that she doesn't like blue towels. It's a hard balance to achieve when there has been an absence of separating experiences through the years. But it's an essential balance, one which requires the parents and new caregivers, in the case of moving from home to a residential setting, to work together to ease the transition and make it a positive experience.

In the situation of an adolescent or adult child getting ready to move from home to an independent or semi-independent living situation, both the child and the parents may need coaching and teaching to make the separation both a learning and a growing experience for all of them. Follow up counseling and encouragement is just as important for the parents as well as the child or adult, and this is a wonderful time for parent support groups.

A Final Word

Actually, I don't have a final word on this topic; I could go on and on, writing about so many layers of this issue, so many situations, so many successful experiences I've learned about from parents and from people with disabilities about their parents, through the years. But if I had to sum it up, I would just say two things. No, three: The Longer You Wait, the Harder It Gets. Ask for help if you just can't do it yourself, reach out to other parents, join a support group, talk to a counselor, or any professional you trust. I'll betcha this is a problem (or challenge, if you prefer), to some degree, for every parent who has a child with special needs. Start Somewhere. Start Small. If your child weighs more than 20 pounds and you still carry him, get a stroller. (Save your back at the same time). If you feed your child because it's "faster," set aside more time to let her begin to join in. If you clean up your adolescent's room because she does such a sloppy job, do it together, or give her one or two specific tasks. Practice, Practice, Practice. Did I say this was easy? Sometimes it is, sometimes it can take weeks, months, even years!! It may not be easy, but it's important to think of Letting Go as Moving Ahead.

 

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