Family Issues Archives

Toilet Training: The Great Parenting Challenge
By Nancy Miller, Ph.D.

Toilet training is probably one of the greatest transition events of parenting. Parents cheer their freedom from the hassle and cost of diapers. It signals the end of babyhood and the beginning of the independence of childhood. There definitely seems to be a time in the process of raising a child when parents are ready for and needing this transition.

And so, parents wait eagerly for signs that their child is "ready" to use the potty; they talk to their child about it, read books to their child about it, buy a special potty and establish its special place of honor in the bathroom. Most parents assume their child is as excited about and ready for this coming transition as they are. Alas, toilet training usually ends up being just a little more difficult than parents think it will (or should) be.

Toilet training time is filled with meaning for parents and for children. It is a little nudge out of the nest by the parents, a request for their child to take some independent steps on his own, to begin to take charge of his body and feel a sense of competence about himself. Parents pull back a little, their child moves away a little. It’s the natural order of things.

It sounds simple and direct, but very often toilet training becomes a child’s first major battleground for testing his new abilities to be independent. Like saying "NO," or totally regressing into babylike behaviors, or being terrified by the potty or the "letting go" of part of his body! What seems like a natural, wonderful time of growing from the parents’ point of view is often seen as something less than wonderful by the child who doesn’t have a clue about the benefits of not wearing a wet or dirty diaper ever again.

When you have a child with special needs, toilet training like many other tasks of childhood often requires a whole other set of plans and procedures, and a lot of parent flexibility in working toward the goal of independent toileting (or bathing, dressing, eating, and other tasks of childhood). Some children are just not able, ready, or willing to be toilet trained at the same time their parents are ready! It may be because of cognitive delays that interfere with a child being able to understand and remember the many steps involved in learning to control bathroom urges and "hold it" for deposit later. Depending on the degree and nature of the delays, he may need to take a much longer time, with a lot more practice to succeed at toileting. This can be taxing on a parent’s time and patience, and success often needs to be measured and rewarded in smaller steps of progress. Because this is different from the "natural order of things," parents may need to simplify their expectations. This means that parents need to do two things: simplify their outer definitions for success, and simplify their inner definitions for success. It means creating your own "natural order," instead of comparing your situation with what is typical. That only leads to continuing frustration and feelings of never reaching the "ideal" goal.

A child with mobility limitations, or with coordination problems, often needs continuing physical help in getting to the bathroom, onto and off the toilet, and assistance with self-cleaning. Again, "success" may be a lot longer in coming, and you may need to redefine your goals and your child’s "successes" many times.

When we only focus on the "end" goal of anything we do, we don’t see our progress or successes along the way.

Some children have a difficult time with toilet training because of communication or learning disabilities and they may not understand what is expected, or may not be able to consistently remember what is expected, or other complex processing difficulties. And some children struggle with emotional or behavioral issues of independence, control, anger, or inconsistent mood states.

Any of these issues often create confusion and frustration and incredible fatigue in parents. Toilet training seems so basic, so necessary to successful development. (And life!) The frustration and fatigue that many parents feel is often communicated to the child, either directly or indirectly, which, as you undoubtedly know, creates a vicious circle of frustration, impatience, feelings of failure and disappointment on the part of everyone involved - parents and child alike.

Children with special needs often need to learn new things in their own time and their own way. Most of all, they need their parents to be patient, but persistent, along the way, guiding them in small achievable steps that are rewarded with genuine respect. Failures along the way often mean that our expectations were too high, or our own impatience and frustration got in our way.

Delays in toilet training may not be the "natural" or "typical" order of things, but they are your order of things, and that’s the way life is most of the time.

 

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