Family Issues Archives

The Holidays Are Coming! The Holidays Are Coming!
By Nancy Miller, Ph.D.

It's November - time for deciding how you want to spend your winter holidays this year! Oh boy! (I'm not ready for this, I hear you screaming!) Most of us celebrate Thanksgiving in some way. (It's the biggest travel weekend of the year for the airlines!) Some of us celebrate Christmas or Hanukkah as primarily religious occasions, others as mostly commercial holidays of exchanging gifts, decorating the house, and being with family and friends.

Many of us don't think about what choices we might have for where and how we spend our time, how much money we really want to spend, and how we often end up exhausted by the time the holidays actually arrive! We often get swept up in the "holiday spirit" of shopping for gifts, making plans to see relatives, shopping for gifts, carrying on familiar traditions, shopping for gifts...

We all have some kinds of expectations about the holidays: some people carry on holiday traditions from their childhoods; other people find the holidays difficult and don't greet this time of year with ebullient joy.

Many parents who have a child with a disability talk about wanting to make the holidays different than what has been expected of them, or they have expected of themselves and others, in the past. A lot of Moms and Dads have described some of the increased stresses they go through, such as:

Traveling to another city - whether by car or plane, holiday travels can be an extra hassle, especially if your child has difficulty with change, with crowds, with unfamiliar foods, weather, beds, people. If you want and need to travel, anticipate as much as you can, and enlist people at the other end to help smooth the transition.

Disrupted schedules - if your child needs to eat, exercise, sleep, have medications at specific times, think how you will be able to maintain his or her schedule whether away from home or with others visiting you. If your child has a hard time being flexible, the busyness and excitement of the season is generally NOT a good time to decide your child needs to learn to adapt to the needs of others!

Well-intended relatives and friends - you probably already know who the people in your family and friendship circle are who can be really flexible and understanding if you need to take your child away from a dinner table, or back to the hotel or Grandma's in the middle of a lively family gathering. Relatives and friends often want to help, but really don't have a clue how they might be making things more difficult for you. It's up to you to explain, preferably ahead of time, if you see a situation coming up that might be too much for your child (or you), and let them know what your "escape plan" is if the need arises.

Gift giving - do the people who give your child gifts for Christmas really understand his or her developmental level, physical abilities, learning differences, play preferences? You can prevent potential embarrassment, hurt, misunderstandings if you tell people ahead of time what is on your child's "wish list" for Christmas. Sometimes there are caring, loving people out there who might give your child a present that you think shows they don't really understand what your child's situation is... well, the fact is most people wouldn't, and you can really help by giving some well placed clues.

What to Do:

Think about what YOU need - what just didn't work for you last year? What are some of your favorite holiday memories? Any you'd like to repeat? Who do you want to be included, and how much time and effort do you want to put in?

Simplify your holidays - that may not be something you want to even consider! For you, the holidays may be your one time of the year to really cut loose, let others take charge, and let you enjoy being taken care of - or taking care of others... It works in different ways for everybody. But take a close look at your resources, your time, your money, your goals for the holidays. Many of us get in very deep before we realize that we're getting stressed and over committed and then it's too late to simplify things, to ease up, to back off. Holidays can be important times for self-reflection, renewal, marking your progress in the past year, and setting new goals... remember the holidays end with the beginning of a whole new year!

Talk to your spouse - talk about your holiday plans and expectations. What worked in the past, what didn't, who do you want to be with, who do you need to avoid (yes, there are a few families with situations like that)... How elaborate do you want your decorating, gift giving, travel, to be?

Talk to your relatives and friends - Include your children, your parents, in-laws, siblings about your ideas, your needs, your decisions to change. You don't want to end up "surprising" people with a change in plans at the last minute! Be prepared for some of them to be upset, or a little "surprised and hurt" at the idea of ANY change. People take holiday celebrations and rituals and established patterns very seriously (although many people think they're more flexible than that!), and sometimes the slightest change, like eating dinner at 4:00 instead of 6:00 is enough to create a volcanic eruption.

Do Not Feel Guilty! Your mental and physical health, your good mood, your spouse, your children are your first concern. Others can be amazingly flexible and understanding and creative when your needs are Clear, and Positive, and are about making the holiday occasion Work! If you act with confidence, humor, suggestions (not orders), you will get others on your Team!

 

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