Family Issues Archives

Changing Your Pace of Life
By Nancy Miller, Ph.D.

A few weeks ago I was talking with a group of parents who have kids with special needs, and asked them what some of their biggest challenges are on a daily basis. High on the list was "learning to live at a slower pace." And, someone added, "learning to not just DO it, but to LIKE it!"

What an important truth these parents recognized! The reality is that when a child or ANY family member has a disability, whether temporary or long-term, everybody is affected and the rhythm and pace of daily family life need to be examined. People who never have the experience of living with someone who has physical, learning, communication, or health limitations take a lot for granted about their daily lives. Many folks race through their daily lives barely aware of the present moment, thinking instead about "what's next" on their schedules.

People - maybe mothers more than fathers - have a natural, biological instinct to slow their pace with a newborn, to match their behavior to a child's waking, sleeping, and eating cycles. The human species is designed to nurture, protect, and guide their infants, gradually "letting go" as a child is able to physically crawl or move away, to express her own likes and dislikes, to make choices, and to be increasingly able to take care of her own daily needs such as eating, toileting, bathing. It is almost like a dance - this balance between parents holding and letting go as their children stay close and move away.

Consider a child, maybe your child, who is unable to master the typical developmental stages at typical, expected biological times. For example, Jimmy is a three year old who has communication delays and can't ask for, or tell his parents, what he wants like other three year olds can. So his family members need to be always alert for some sign from Jimmy that he wants or needs something. If their backs are turned, or they are in another room, they can't see the expression on his face that tells them he is mad, or happy, or needs help fitting two blocks together. When they have dinner, his parents want to encourage his making choices about what bite of food to have next, and to encourage his learning of appropriate eating and social skills, so the whole family eats together. And they all eat slowly so Jimmy can keep up.

On a bad day, or a tired day, or a hurried day, Jimmy's parents can feel pretty frustrated and even discouraged at times. But they are finding those days occur less and less often because they are discovering something else. When the family (which includes Jimmy's two older brothers) has dinner together these days, they are all eating more slowly, they are having conversations, the television is off. Dinner time is quality family time, thanks to Jimmy and his communication delays. Jimmy's mom told me that before their conscious decision to slow their pace and all eat together, she usually fed Jimmy alone while his brothers ate while watching a video, she sort of snacked at the kitchen counter, and Dad's dinner was kept warm in the oven.

Think about your own pace of living - and your attitude about it. If your child has a movement limitation, for example, it may take you much longer than you would prefer for her to take a bath, get dressed, go to and get in the car. If you are a hurry-up, impatient kind of person by nature, it may be hard for you to change your expectations, to slow down and appreciate the pace your child CAN move, and to adapt to the realistic rhythm of your daily family life. It takes creativity, patience, and dedication to recognize your attitude about your child's limitations, and to see the benefits of slowing down and seeing the world from your child's point of view. Of course, it takes a PERFECT parent to never feel frustrated, rushed, annoyed about having your own schedule delayed, or feeling rushed, or feeling mad at yourself for being frustrated in the first place. Since nobody's perfect, don't be too hard on yourself!

 

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