Family Issues Archives

The Stress See-Saw and You
By Nancy Miller, Ph.D.

Everybody has times of feeling overwhelmed. It's a feeling we all hate. We usually don't see it coming, and by the time it takes over we're too far gone to do much but pull some covers over our head, have a good cry or yell at someone. Those may help at the moment, but they aren't terrific coping skills over the long haul.

Why You Get Overwhelmed

Stress is like a see-saw. Responsibility is at one end, control is at the other. When the two are balanced: just enough responsibilities, and feeling of control over them, your stress level is balanced out by feelings of being able to solve the problems, find the resources, pay for what you need, feel supported by others.

But, when you have more responsibilities than you have control over them, your stress level goes up. Some examples: your child needs to go to physical therapy, but the car won't start. Your child doesn't sleep at night, and you have to go to work in the morning. You and your spouse need to get away, even for an evening, but you don't know a baby sitter you trust.

Of course, the stress see-saw works the other way, too. When you have NO responsibilities, and TOTAL control over your life, that's called a Vacation. A lot of us take "trips" that end up being more effort than relaxation. But imagine the feeling of having no responsibilities for even an hour - and doing whatever you need or want for that time. It doesn't happen very often, and it certainly doesn't happen unless you make it happen.

Most of us live our lives with the see-saw swinging back and forth somewhere around the middle. Responsibilities come and go, feelings of control over them come and go.

When you have a child with special needs, you are at high-risk for having a lot more responsibilities than you have control over them. Since you have more things and people to hold together than most "typical" parents, you need to have a surplus of physical and emotional energy to take care of yourself and everyone else. You want to experience all the joys of parenting while having to manage the challenges of:

• extra parenting: feeding and sleeping problems, soothing problems, medical issues and interventions, developmental concerns

• relationship issues: your marriage, other kids, grandparents, friends, your boss, your employees, professionals

• getting help: medical appointments, school appointments, paper work, insurance red tape, phone calls, waiting for people to call you back

• taking care of yourself (huh?): your own feeding and sleeping problems, your fears, frustrations, anger, anxieties, self doubts, sadness, feeling like you don't have any control over the important things like your child's future, your life...

So, what can you do to balance your stress see-saw, and even have some fleeting vacation feelings now and then? There are three necessary things you have to do.

1. Detect warning signs of when stress is building up, when you are beginning to feel out of control. This takes practice to be able to detect signs early - not when you are ready to collapse!

Feeling exhausted, irritated, forgetful, depressed, anxious, eating too much are NOT early warning signs!! They're "uh-oh things are really getting out of control" signs.

2. Have enough help. Many parents (Moms especially?) feel like the responsibilities are theirs; that asking for help is a sign of failure, that they should be able to do it all, and can't admit to others (or even themselves) that they can't manage everything. BUT it's NOT because they aren't good enough, organized enough, fast enough, rich enough, smart enough to do it all - it's because there's TOO MUCH to do!! Too many categories of responsibility, and not enough recovery time in between all the responsibilities.

Having help can take many forms: having a neighborhood teenager come in and play with your child for an hour after school; hiring someone twice a month to do heavy cleaning; trading baby sitting with another parent with a child with special needs, so each of you has a chance for a date with your spouse. I'd love to see a list of some of the creative ways parents have found to get some help... maybe Special Child is the place to create a list and have it available for the whole Internet world!

3. Take care of yourself. Yeah, yeah, everybody hears it and not many of us really do it. Rest. Eat healthy. Exercise. Have a hobby. Laugh. There's nothing more stressful for kids than to hang around a stressed-out parent all the time. You want your kids to grow up and eat healthy, exercise, have interests, and laugh a lot? You have to show them how.

 

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