Family Issues Archives

Daydreams and Nightmares
By Nancy Miller, Ph.D.

I recently received the following note from a Mom. I know she is not the first parent who has had this experience, and I thought some of you might find this familiar, and might share some of her concerns. "I frequently have daydreams about my special child dying, usually through an accident or sudden medical problem - I find I have these most often when I'm feeling stressed and inadequate as a parent. I enjoy them because I then fantasize about all the things I would be able to do if he weren't around. I understand that these types of daydreams aren't that unusual, but they really concern me. What can I do to stop them? Should I stop them?"

Daydreams and fantasies about being relieved from stressful situations are not unusual - and they aren't bad, or abnormal. Almost everybody has them and they can serve a useful purpose in providing some mental escape from an emotional overload. When it's your child you're daydreaming about, you tend to feel especially guilty and inadequate - which only adds to the stress you're feeling!

Consider some of the following situations and times you have fantasized about things being different: having an argument with your spouse and wondering what it would have been like if you had married someone else… Or maybe not even being married at all! Or maybe you have to work and wish you could stay home, or maybe you're at home all the time and you imagine what it might be like to be able to get out of the house and go to work or school. How many times have you had fantasies about living somewhere else, winning the lottery, not being in debt, having another child, or not having any children at all.

Each of us could make a list of our daydreams about a lot of things. Some of them are minor, maybe even frivolous; some are very basic and touch some deep feelings of regret, sadness, anger, and guilt. This is especially true when you wonder what life would be like if your child hadn't been born, or didn't have his or her problems, or if your child would die. It often makes us feel like a bad, unloving parent, rejecting and not loving our child.

There are parents who are truly so stressed, depressed, angry, or feeling "cheated" that their daydreams really do interfere with their daily lives and their ability to have a positive relationship with their child. If that is true for any of you, I would say: Talk to someone. Get some help understanding your feelings and find someone who can listen to you and not judge you.

For most parents, though, the daydreams you have are a way of getting some "virtual respite" from your reality that life IS different for you than you had expected, and wished for. One mom I know used to make the most of her daydreams by thinking of how she could just disappear: she'd decide a town (or country) to escape to, choose a new name for herself (something very exotic), plan a new wardrobe, a new "look," would have unlimited funds to draw from, and would decide on the career or leisurely pursuit she would adopt. She said it was great therapy for her! It was like taking a vacation she wasn't going to get for a long time, and she had no one to take care of for a while, and she could indulge in anything she wanted - and she never gained any weight in her fantasy!

If daydreams help you, then go for it and make them good ones! Have fun with them, and they may even lead you to trying on some new ideas in your daily life. Sometimes we daydream because we don't allow ourselves the time or the money or the release from caring for our child to actually live out some of our needs. We all need some relaxation, some pleasure, some laughter, some loving in our real lives to help keep everything in balance.

 

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