Family Issues Archives

Little Things Mean A Lot
By Nancy Miller, Ph.D.

Driving down an LA freeway recently, I tuned in to the Golden Oldies station just as they began to play "Little Things Mean A Lot." You know the song I mean? "Blow me a kiss from across the room, Say I look nice when I'm not...Touch my hair as you pass my chair, Little things mean a lot." And the song got me thinking...

When you have a child with special needs, you usually start out with the "big" goals: when will my child walk, or talk, or eat independently? - or whatever your child's particular challenges are. But focusing on the Big Goal can take your attention away from the little steps of progress, making the little steps feel small in comparison to where you want your child to go. And you begin to understand that big changes occur in small steps; that each small step is an occasion for celebrating! And even though you wish things would change faster, you learn to love the small steps, and know that by taking care of the small steps, big changes will occur when and if they can.

And how do you celebrate the small steps? By kissing, hugging, squeezing, tickling your child! By smiling at him and bragging about her, by talking to him and saying how proud you are, and by patting yourself on the back, too!

Most parents I know become major experts at knowing how and when and why to pay attention to the "little things" with their child. One of the reasons is that the stakes feel so big: change often takes a long time, a lot of effort by a lot of people, a lot of dead-ends and wrong turns, and a lot of guess-work and trial-and-error, and tons of patience!

Now here's the challenge for all of you: how do you pay attention to the "little things" your other family members do? A-ha! So many parents I've talked to have said they take so much for granted with their typical kids and with their spouses (and even themselves), that they don't even notice a lot of the little steps. And especially when one family member has a hard time learning new skills or behaviors, because "little things" seem to be so much easier for everybody else. But there are two important things to think about here: one, "little things mean a lot" to everybody. "You brushed your hair really nice today;" "Thanks for setting the table;" "Reading a story together at bedtime is one of my favorite times of the day," and so on. Pointing out what you like, what makes you proud, what each of your children does well (or tries hard at, or likes to do). A lot of us fall into the "But he's supposed to set the table!" kind of routine. Well, maybe you're supposed to cook breakfast every morning. Wouldn't it be nice if some of your family members said "Gee, Mom, you toasted my Pop-Tart just right!" or "Thanks Mom, you remembered to get more extra crunch peanut butter!" So, the first reason that noticing little things is important for everybody is that they feel good to get and good to give, and it makes us look for the good stuff and acknowledge it.

And there's another reason: your other kids notice the quality and quantity of attention each one gets. That's not to say "Make sure it's all equal" because it can't be, if you wanted to sit and make a list. But it's the intention behind it that gets noticed in the long run. If most of your attention to your kids (and spouse) is for what they did wrong, forgot to do, shoulda done, shoulda done better or faster, then there's a negative undertone that says: "If you want my genuine attention, you have to do something wrong to get it!" (Because, you know, the negative attention we give our kids, as in "Cut that out!" is usually a lot more animated and energetic and focused than stuff like "You did a great job brushing your teeth," or "thanks for helping me put away the groceries."

And then there's you and your significant other. Does he (or she) blow you a kiss from across the room, or the dinner table? Does he (or she) touch your hair as he (she) passes your chair? Say you look nice (even if you rarely do not)? Do you acknowledge each other's parenting, and sharing the household responsibilities - the little things like "thanks for picking up bread on the way home tonight"? Little things turn into big things - whether they are positive or negative. And little things are so much fun to give and to receive. Sometimes it takes practice, and even can feel a little "phony" if you're not used to giving or receiving them, but once you get the hang of it, you'll find it's contagious and you'll be spreading kind words everywhere!

 

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