Family Issues Archives

Taking Care of YOU!
By Nancy Miller, Ph.D.

Why is it so hard to take care of yourself when you're so good at taking care of everybody else?

Are you looking and feeling the way you want to be? This is a major concern of many, many mothers of young children with special needs. There are so many feelings that can't seem to get resolved, so many questions that don't seem to have answers, so many appointments to keep for your child, so many phone calls, sleepless nights, rushed trips in the car, last-minute meals, cranky kids, intrusive phone calls, checking on insurance coverage, paying bills, washing diapers, giving medications, picking up after everybody else...

Motherhood is hard enough, especially the first time around, or especially if you're a working parent or working couple, or especially if you were a working woman and are now staying home and there's less money and you aren't getting a lot of job satisfaction being at home, or especially if your child has extra needs that require extra parenting.

How's your self-esteem these days? A lot of moms report that their self esteem hits a pretty low point when they are feeling incompetent about helping their child improve, or feel like there must be something they could be doing more of, or in a different way. Some days it feels like that little light at the end of the tunnel is never going to get any closer. If your child has eating problems, or soothing problems, or sleeping problems, that can really knock your self-esteem down a few pegs... if all your best efforts don't seem to get results, it's easy to feel depressed, discouraged, angry, and incompetent.

When you have a child with special needs, there is a rhythm to your parenting that is different than with typical children. If you also have a typical child, you probably know what I mean. You need to learn your child's pace of moving, eating, playing, communicating, going to sleep, and waking up. Your child's pace may be much slower than "typical," and that can be hard to adapt to, and feel like it's going to take forever for your child to learn new things. It's hard to let go of your expectations and to move at your child's pace. It's hard work to adjust your usual pace of living, and your expectations, and it can feel pretty frustrating at times! And then it gets hard to remember to take care of yourself!

Are you happy with the way you feel physically? Are you taking care of your body in a way that makes you feel good about yourself? How's your weight? Your eating habits? Your hygiene? Your exercise? The clothes you wear? Your hair? Do you have the motivation, the energy, the self esteem to put yourself together for yourself? For your spouse? If not, is this affecting your marriage?

Do you do nice things for yourself? Like take a bubble bath, or take a quiet walk, or buy yourself some flowers for the table, or buy yourself some lacy underwear? Do you ever get a manicure? A massage? Do you think about how you look when your spouse comes home at night? Do you ever serve dinner on the good china?

There are so many things, we tend to "let go" of taking care of ourselves when we are feeling overwhelmed, and ineffective, and disappointed, and depressed. It's a vicious circle, too, because the worse you feel, the worse you tend to look and then you stop doing nice things for yourself and then you look in the mirror and go Geez! Is that ME?

Do you make any time for yourself during the day? To read a magazine, or stitch some needlework, or paint a picture, or try a new recipe, or work in the garden, or cruise the Internet? Do you have a hobby that you've given up? Friends that you never call any more? A part of your house you've been wanting to decorate but haven't had the energy to care about?

If you feel like some of the romance has gone out of your marriage (and this happens with lots of couples who have a young child who demands a lot of time and energy) - then you have to take action to get it back. It doesn't come back automatically, and sometimes a couple can kind of quietly drift apart so they're more like roommates, with just a few sparks flying now and then.

Plan some time alone to nurture yourself, to boost your energy and your self esteem. Think positive; visualize how you want your marriage to be, how YOU want to be, and you can begin to move in the direction you want to go.

 

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