Family Issues Archives

Tough Transitions
By Nancy Miller, Ph.D.

Transitions are a part of everybody's life, and we go through all kinds of transitions every day: getting up in the morning, leaving home and going to a job, finishing a project and starting a new one are common transitions we go through as adults. Some transitions we handle easily; others are harder. Some we like, some we hate and only do them because we have to.

Our kids go through transitions every day, too. Some they handle easily, others are harder. Some they like, some they hate and only do them because they have to.

When you're a grownup, you can "talk to yourself" and convince yourself that you may not want to stop what you're doing and do something else, but it's part of life that you just have to do.

When you're a kid, you probably haven't learned yet how to "talk to yourself", or to convince yourself that you "should" stop playing and go take a bath because you're supposed to. So you may whine, or refuse, or tantrum as a way of protesting that you don't like to be told to stop playing.

When your child has special needs, some kinds of transitions can be especially difficult. You probably know the kinds of transitions that are easier or harder for your child. Some children have a hard time when they have to rush from one activity to another; they need to be told ahead of time, maybe with a timer set to allow them an extra few minutes to get their thoughts and bodies organized to change what is going on. For instance, letting a child know that he will have his lunch in ten minutes, or needs to get ready for bed when the timer rings in 15 minutes, can often make transition times easier than when you "surprise" him with an announcement that "it's time to eat."

Transitions to bedtime can often be hard for children. Some children have a hard time "winding down" and stopping the day's activities. Bedtime rituals are important in helping a child through this important daily transition. Routines at bedtime become a familiar pattern. Your child knows what to expect, and learns a rhythm for bathing, dressing for bed, reading a story, having a predictable, focused time with either or both parents. (Some parents take turns with the bedtime routines, others share it, and sometimes one parent does all the bedtime routines.)

Many parents who describe bedtime problems with their children do not have an established routine. In many families, neither the parent nor the child can describe what the "bedtime routine" is because it is always changing. It's often a vicious circle for parents. Some parents try to establish a routine, but their child protests, so they change the routine and their child protests more, and pretty soon nothing works, their child is up until midnight, and the parents are exhausted and feel incompetent.

If your child has a bedtime problem, or a mealtime problem, or a getting ready to go to school problem, try this: Think about how you would like the bedtime routine to be, think about how you would like mealtime to be, think about how you would like getting ready to go to school to be. Choose one transition time during the day that is especially difficult and focus on what you think the time is like for your child. Try to imagine bedtime, for example, through your child's eyes. Is it a time of closeness and soothing? Or is it a time of anger and arguing? Is it a time to be quiet and slowed down? Or is it a time of feeling rushed and losing contact with you?

As adults, we often don't remember how important even the smallest transitions are for a child. Sometimes we get impatient, or we devalue a child's experience of sadness, or frustration, when he protests our attempts to tell him "It's time to leave"; "It's time to stop". We are often distracted by our own agenda - knowing we're running late, for example - and our child's reaction is sometimes not even considered.

Think about all the transitions your child has to make in a day. Observe your child and see how he or she handles them. Some kids are flexible and roll with the punches; others need preparation and extra time. Sometimes it only takes a few extra words, a comforting touch, a few extra minutes to help your child have a better day. And you, too.

 

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