Family Issues Archives

Give Your Brain a Break
By Nancy Miller, Ph.D.

We're all stressed. All of us have better days and worse days when it comes to feeling stressed - but it's unrealistic to think we can live in today's world without any stress! Let's take a brief look at three kinds of stress: the kinds of stress that actually help you (trust me, there are some...); the kinds of stress you can get rid of; and the kinds of stress that are going to hang around, so you have to learn how to live with (and in spite of) them.

The Kinds of Stress That Help You. Stress is a natural part of life; it's not bad, it's not wrong. It's universal. There is a good kind of stress, called eustress, which is the kind of stress that motivates, challenges, and stretches you. No one can grow or learn without stress! Deadlines can motivate us. Learning how to use a computer, or speak a second language, or ride a horse can be stressful, but rewarding. Think about children in school, learning how to sit still, pay attention, practice new math and writing skills - a lot of stress, but when the stress is balanced with patient teaching, encouraging adults, and a belief they can do it, the stress turns into challenge.

If you have a child with special needs, and you have had the experience of seeing your child struggle to learn new skills that take a lot of practice, patience, and perseverance, you can probably remember the tension you felt as you wondered how much to "push" your child, and wanting your child to feel motivated to learn but not so stressed that it would be a negative experience.

Stress becomes a motivator when you look at an "obstacle" and see it as a challenge, as a problem to be solved, as something you can have some control over. You can do that by defining what the "obstacle" is (finding a new school, or new therapist for your child). For example: make a list of all the parts of the problem, such as professionals to call, other parents to call for ideas and support, information to read, and schedule it into your already overcrowded life.

The Kinds of Stress You Can Get Rid Of. We spend much of our time in distress (the opposite of eustress): overloaded, rushed, distracted, obligated, tired, guilty - you get the picture. This is the kind of stress that is NOT good for you; it doesn't make you feel motivated - it makes you feel pressured. It doesn't challenge you, it irritates you. Distress is the feeling of having too many responsibilities and not enough control over them. It's the feeling of always being behind, trying to catch up. Why do so many of us feel this way?

Because most reasons for our daily stress comes at us from the outside! We have more things to react to, more choices to make, and more things to think about than our brains are able to handle!! If your computer has ever given you a "not enough memory" message, you know what I mean.

Things We React To: We hear too much every day: tv, radio, traffic, leaf blowers, music in stores and offices. Try to become aware of the noises in your life, because even when you're not aware of them, your brain is reacting. This brain effort increases your stress level. Find quiet times and places every day.

We see too many different things every day. Too many people; too many billboards; too many cars; too many newspaper articles about disasters, crimes, tragedies; too many details about too many people in too many magazines. Each visual image registers in your brain, even when you aren't aware of all the things you see in passing every day. Try to become more aware of them, so you can give your eyes and brain some breaks. Close your eyes (not while driving) once in a while; have an area in your office, or in your house or yard that is simple, uncomplicated, peaceful. Spend some time just sitting there, with no stimulation, no noise. Even a few minutes every day is a good beginning; your brain will thank you for it. You have to clear out some spaces in your mind now and then - your brain doesn't have an automatic trash bin for stuff you don't need or want. You have to delete it.

Too Many Choices: Consider the number of choices you make every day. A new commercial for Kraft salad dressing proudly proclaims that they have a "zillion varieties to choose from." Satellite tv now offers hundreds of channels to surf while you relax with your family. I frequently see parents and kids carrying on high-level negotiations over which kind of cereal to buy. Choosing a video to rent is often overwhelming. Each of these activities is work for your brain. Be aware of how many choices you have to make every day. Make a deliberate effort every now and then to simplify some of your choices. It isn't easy, but sometimes it's a big relief.

Things We Can't Get Rid Of. We all have some aspects of our lives that are simply stressful and won't go away. They may be related to your child's special needs, to your financial realities, to your marriage, your own health, your relatives, your job, your car... We all have "stuff" that may be impossible - or too difficult - to change. And so we have to make an important decision: what kind of mental, physical, personal life do we want to have for ourselves, knowing that some particular stress is going to be with us? It's not easy, but it's not impossible to live with stress. You can have a wonderful, or even just good life, in-spite-of stress and daily struggles. It may be through your spiritual beliefs, or your work, or your daily joys in caring for your family, or in developing a creative outlet for your own talents and energy. We also learn a lot from the chronic stresses we live with: patience, reordering of some of our priorities in life, appreciation of what we have and our relationships, a different perspective on what life is all about. Think about how much you have learned about parenting, and love, and determination, and commitment from being the parent of a child with special needs!!

We are often held back by our own sense of guilt, or responsibility, or difficulty in asking for help, or feeling that we don't want to appear selfish or greedy. If you tend to be a worrier, if you find yourself focusing on negative thoughts, it may be harder for you. Chronic stress can take its toll on us in many ways: financially, physically, mentally, socially. It can feel like swimming upstream in a rushing river sometimes. Those are times when it's good to consider some counseling, or talking to your doctor about getting extra help in finding a rock to grab on to, so you won't be swept downstream - and then you may need some swimming lessons! Talking to a counselor, or other parents, or a close friend, or a pastor can be extremely helpful for beginning to look at your life, your choices, your wishes, and your ability to make some changes happen.

 

Welcome | Editor's Note | Success Stories | Horror Stories | Family Issues | Legal Files | Information Avenue | Disorder Zone | Archives | Diagnosis Search | Tips | Bulletin Board | Marketplace | Parent-Matching Program | Suggestion Box | Guestbook | Sponsors | Donations | Featured Special Child | Home

Copyright © 1997-2000, The Resource Foundation for Children with Challenges. All rights reserved.
By using Special Child and related services, you agree to abide by the terms and conditions.