Family Issues Archives

Reaching Out to Your Friends and Relatives
By Nancy Miller, Ph.D.

Do you sometimes think your family members could and should be a lot more understanding and helpful? Do some of them act as if your child is just "spoiled", or say that you worry too much, and that he'll "grow out of it" - whatever "it" happens to be? Many parents have hurt feelings, feel disappointed or angry that some of their friends or relatives just "aren't there" for them. Does that describe anyone you know?

Maybe some of your family members ARE insensitive, thoughtless, self-centered. If so, you probably can't change that. What seems to be most common, though, is that many relatives don't offer to help, don't ask the right questions about your child, don't support you because of three reasons: they don't know how you feel, they don't know what you want, and they don't have enough information about your child's special needs.

When you are the parent of a child with special needs, there are so many ways you have to be your child's advocate, to teach other people about your child, to be assertive, positive, pro-active. Well, this is one more area where it may be up to you to take the lead, to give your family members information, to ask for their help in very specific ways. Here are a few things you can try:

1. Be forgiving and patient. Just like you, your relatives and friends are probably just learning how to deal with having a child with special needs in the family. They may feel clumsy, shy, or uncomfortable. They may hurt your feelings with insensitive remarks. Forgive their mistakes, but help them know what helps.

2. Set the tone. Your friends and relatives will take their cues from you. If you talk comfortably about your child, have a positive attitude, and a sense of humor, they will sense that YOU are "okay" - and that allows them to feel comfortable. Relatives look to you for information and direction. Don't expect them to understand the problem unless they have adequate information about it. Don't expect them to ask for information, either. They may think you don't want to talk about your child's problems - or they may think that there is something terribly wrong if you don't talk about it!

3. Take the initiative and give information. Let them know what is going on and what you need!! They may not want to intrude, but you may think they are not interested. Information increases comfort. They may start doing some exploring on their own. Think of them as part of the family team, instead of your having to do everything alone.

Explain what your child's problem is, how to act, what it's like for your child, what it's like for you, and what you are doing to help your child. Tell them what you need and what helps. Need special toys or equipment? Tell them! Maybe they know someone who can get it for you wholesale or help build it. Tell them how much you need an evening out or a weekend away. Give them brochures and articles to read. Invite them to visit your child's intervention program to see what your child is learning. Most of all, help them know your child as a total child and to understand your child's needs for special relationships with family and friends.

4. Have a family meeting. Explain your child's needs, what you are doing to meet them, and what the future holds - if you have any clue about that! If you can't get everyone together for a meeting, send a letter that fills them in. You may be surprised at the number of people who will be more available and helpful when they have some information!

Some parents say that other children in the extended family, such as cousins, and the children of the parents' friends, often seem uncomfortable and tend to either "baby" the child with special needs, or simply exclude them from play. Consider this: have a meeting with all the kids - and their parents, too - and talk about your child's needs, and their fears. Keep it simple and positive.

5. Get them involved. Pass on magazine and newspaper articles for them to read. Tell them places to check out on the Internet (like specialchild.com!). Take them to visit your child's programs and to meet other children and other families who have a child with a disability. Encourage them to donate money or buy raffle tickets for your child's school fund raiser. Invite relatives to visit the programs that your child is attending, and to talk to the professionals who are helping you. Encourage grandparents to reach out and meet others who have the same concerns and questions about their grandchildren with special needs.

6. If anyone offers help, accept it!! They may not offer the right kind of help, or the right amount of help at the right time, but an offer is an offer! It's a beginning, so help modify their offers. Make it easy, make it happen. Teach your relatives how to provide care for your child so they will feel competent and involved - and give you a break!

7. Send them notes - "thanks yous" for something nice they've done for you lately. Send photos and news about your family. Let them know you appreciate them for thinking of you and for helping you. People love to feel appreciated!

 

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