Family Issues Archives

Reviewing Your Personal Support Network
By Nancy Miller, Ph.D.

"It takes a village" to raise a child. Not just a parent, or two parents. Not just brothers, sisters, and grandparents. A child is taught, influenced, and nurtured by the people at home, the neighbors, teachers, preachers, family friends, cousins, and people in the community. A child with special needs also has many professionals who help treat symptoms, prevent discomfort, teach skills, stimulate language, and encourage social skills.

As the parents of a child with special needs, you rely on that "village" of people to improve your child's present functioning and build foundations for future growth and change. But what about you? What kind of personal support do you have for the ups and downs, the good days and not- so-good days? Who listens to you; who's there for you?

When you have a child with special needs, your personal support network often goes through some major changes. Some relatives and friends may surround you with a cushion of love and support; others may withdraw because they aren't sure what to say or do, or because they are too uncomfortable. You meet new people - parents, professionals, acquaintances - who may better understand what you are going through than your own family members do.

It's a good idea to review your personal support network every now and then, to remind yourself how fortunate you are for the people who do support you and to take a look at some relationships that may be changing. Here are some things you can do to reward, renew, refresh, rebuild, and reach out to those in your support network.

 

REWARD

What: Thank the people who have been there for you.

Who: Relatives, neighbors, friends, professionals, co-workers, another parent.

How: Write a note, make a phone call. Take him/her out for coffee, tea, or lunch. Send some flowers, a gift certificate, cookies.

 

RENEW

What: Remember the people who have been there in the past. People who are not active in your life today because they have moved or drifted away, or because you haven't kept up on your side.

Who: An old friend, former co-worker, friend, neighbor, professional.

How: Phone call, writing a note or letter. Send a picture of your child.

 

REFRESH

What: Put some new energy and activity into an established, ongoing relationships that may feel 'taken-for-granted' or stale.

Who: Spouse, parent, brother or sister, one of your kids, your mother, your in-laws, friend, colleague.

How: Write a note, make a date, do a lunch, take a hike, plan a picnic.

 

REBUILD

What: Take some action to repair a relationship where there has been some hurt, feelings of neglect, misunderstanding, or anger on either side.

Who: In-law, parent, brother or sister, neighbor, friend, another parent, professional.

How: Apologize or Forgive, whichever is appropriate. Write a note, make a call, send some flowers. Explain your goal if necessary and appropriate.

 

REACH OUT

What: Find or develop a new source of support.

Who: Join a parent support group or find one or two other parents and start your own group. Get together and walk, or brunch or talk, or search the Internet; seek out a social place for yourself (a class, a group, the church choir), or call an acquaintance you would like to know better.

How: Make some phone calls, make some dates, offer to help, ask for help, offer to trade babysitting, carpooling, errands.

 

Those are some ideas for the relationships you want to nurture and encourage. The relationships that are positive, healthy, and mutually supportive and satisfying. But some people in your network may be not good for you, and you may have to limit your contacts and/or your reactions. Some you have to Release from your life; others you just have to Resign Yourself to:

 

RELEASE

What: Let go of a relationship which is no longer good for you.

Who: Someone who hurts or drains you, or is no longer compatible.

How: Write a letter, get some coaching or counseling on what to say.

 

RESIGN YOURSELF

What: Recognize that there are some people in your life who may not be supportive, but they're not going to go away.

Who: A relative, neighbor, co-worker, club or group member.

How: Know that things may not change. Learn to set some boundaries so you won't be emotionally affected. If you can't change the relationship, change your reaction. Learn to let go of continuing expectations that things will change (and thereby preventing continuing disappointments). Ask for advice or counseling to help.

 

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