Family Issues Archives

Should We Have Another Child?
By Nancy Miller, Ph.D.

I would guess that most parents today spend at least some time agonizing over the questions of how many children they want to have, how far apart they would like to have them and, of course, how they are going to afford the costs of raising children today!! But when you have a child with special needs, the concerns and questions about whether and when to have additional children can be especially difficult. Here are some concerns I hear from many parents:

"Our child's problems are genetic, and there is a possibility that our future children may have the same problems."

This can be one of the toughest issues. Every couple is different and may need to spend a lot of time talking and thinking about all sides of this issue. Some parents may not want to take the chance of having more than one child with ongoing medical or developmental problems for a variety of reasons. Others may decide that it wouldn't matter; others may choose to go ahead, but feel uncertain.

"Our child has so many special needs that we don't think we would have the time, energy, or money to give to another child, even though we really want to have more children."

If you really want to have more children, then it may be useful to reframe your concerns. Instead of focusing on the problems as obstacles that are keeping you from having another child, think of them as challenges that are currently in the way and need to be solved! (Yeah, I know... "easy for you to say..." But stay with me)

Remember that your child with special needs is continually growing and changing, and his or her needs are going to change: some will decrease, some will disappear, some may increase. Some you can predict, others you can't. (A lot of life is like that, as you may have noticed!) If you can predict some of the long-term needs, such as medical, speech, or other formal interventions, or extra supervision or structured attention, you may want to start thinking of ways you will be able to get any extra help you or your child may need.

Whatever looks like an obstacle today may very well change or resolve itself in time. Think about the times of your own life when you thought going to school, or owning a home, or having a child would be beyond possibility. Some things in life we can't control, some things in life control us, and yet there are many things we can control and make happen.

"We worry about the effect our child's disability would have on another child or children, and if they would develop some problems, or feel neglected."

Children don't develop problems just because they have a brother or sister who has a disability. All siblings react in different ways, depending on their ages, how their lives are affected, their own personalities, and on how secure, happy, challenged, and inspired they feel in the family. Parents' attitudes about differences, about ability, about responsibility and "sharing the caring" are what influence all children in all families. Having a family member with special needs can be one of the most important experiences in a child's developing values about human relationships - either positive or negative. As a parent you have extra parenting required for your child with special needs - and extra parenting for your other children, because they, too, have special needs: they need to know that you are in charge and that their own childhood will be honored. You need to know that they may have normal sibling feelings and expressions of worry, fear, anger, or guilt that may or may not be related to their brother or sister's disability!

Sibling relationships are very complicated, and they are always changing as each child experiences new developmental stages. A child's world is very small, and they see themselves at the center of it. It's a place that you need to give attention to, to admire, to nurture, to embrace.

"My spouse and I can't agree. I want to have another child but he/she doesn't. Or, I don't want to have another child but my spouse does."

Consider some couple counseling. You may need an objective, empathic person who can listen to you both and help you listen to each other. Deciding whether or not to have another child or children may be one of the most important decisions of your entire marriage. Think about your child's special needs: about all the time, work, energy, focus you put into meeting those needs. If you and your spouse are stuck on this issue, your marriage has special needs! Your marriage is entitled to the same quality of time, work, energy, and focus that you are so lovingly giving to your child.

In summary, I don't know what the statistics are, but it would sure be interesting to know how many couples who have a child with special needs go on to have other children. In my experience, I'd say it's a very high percentage. I would add that the comment I seem to hear the most goes something like: "Having another child was the best decision we ever made, for everybody in the family!" Now, remember that is a personal impression... there are also couples who had another child and found it to be a struggle. And couples who didn't have another child and regret that decision, while others are totally comfortable with that decision.

Having another child is a highly personal, very complex issue.

 

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