Family Issues Archives

Your Child and Friendships
By Nancy Miller, Ph.D.

We have received a number of letters from parents about their children being "left out" of social groups, about some of their problems with social skills, and social rejection they often experience because of looking, or moving, or behaving, or communicating "differently" from other kids. Sometimes this can be a major stress for a child - and it is almost always a major stress and concern for parents!!

What can you do about it? Here are some (highly summarized!) thoughts and suggestions:

1. People are often uncomfortable around people who are "different". If your child is "different" in ways that interfere with easy social relationships, then there is the very real likelihood that your child is going to have some major challenges in social acceptance. It's not fair, it's not right, and it's not the way it CAN be, but it is true. In our society (and many others), people are sometimes unfairly treated and taunted - ALL of us at some time in our lives have been either a target of being teased or rejected and/or we have ALL at some time rejected or been unkind to someone who we didn't want to be associated with. Maybe it was in kindergarten, or high school, or a college sorority, or in your neighborhood or where you work.

A lot of people (children and adults) are uncomfortable around differences - and sometimes that discomfort shows itself in ignoring, name-calling, not being invited to play, or whatever. So the first point of this discussion is that people react to differences. HOW they react is another matter. And YOU as a parent can play an important role here.

2. Focus on your child's assets and preferences. Begin to build your child's social life around these areas. Maybe it's art, or music, or playing catch, or going for walks, or collecting rocks, or watching videos. Sometimes we focus on what "all the other kids are doing", such as soccer, or playing with Barbies, or whatever, and you want your child to be accepted and be able to join in. If your child really loves soccer, but can't yet handle the structure and stimulation of a team, start WHERE YOUR CHILD IS.

3. Start small. Make success happen - maybe the high school kid down the street could come over and play soccer with your child at first (maybe you even have to pay someone to get started). The point is, as parents we often see the GOAL we want to reach, but forget that our child's special needs often can't reach the Big Goal without a lot of help and small steps.

4. Educate his or her peers - and their parents. You may want to think about talking to some of the parents of the children in your community or school. And to the teacher, and principal, and coach, and Sunday school teacher, etc. Many people are uncomfortable and are afraid and are simply uneducated. They don't want to do or say something "wrong"; they may not know what your child can or can't do - or will or won't do. Yep, it takes time and effort and energy and commitment and perseverance and a lot of optimism and HUMOR. Think of all these people in your child's world as a challenge - a problem to be solved, a wealth of resources to be developed. Some people are, as you probably know, interested and warm and wanting to include your child... others aren't. Yet. Some will never be. That's how the world, unfortunately, works.

5. Start young!! Start with your child's preschool, if it's not too late!! You have been given the role of being your child's advocate, publicist, public relations manager, coach - and parent!!

6. Stay away from the negatives. Don't focus on what your child can't do. That's not good for your child's self esteem and self confidence. Or yours. Every child can't do something. Maybe your child can't do a lot more things than other kids. So you have to focus even harder on what your child likes and what your child can do and likes to do. It may not seem like "enough" ...but that's a topic for another time.

 

Welcome | Editor's Note | Success Stories | Horror Stories | Family Issues | Legal Files | Information Avenue | Disorder Zone | Archives | Diagnosis Search | Tips | Bulletin Board | Marketplace | Parent-Matching Program | Suggestion Box | Guestbook | Sponsors | Donations | Featured Special Child | Home

Copyright © 1997-2000, The Resource Foundation for Children with Challenges. All rights reserved.
By using Special Child and related services, you agree to abide by the terms and conditions.