Family Issues Archives

When Family Members Disagree About Child's Abilities
By Nancy Miller, Ph.D.

Please note: details have been changed to protect the privacy of everyone!

We have received several letters from parents about family members who disagree about a child's abilities. In one particular letter, a mother wrote about her daughter with Down syndrome, saying that she and her husband are their daughter's only "cheerleaders," and that her grandparents and older siblings don't have high enough expectations for her. Her grandparents, especially, tend to "baby" her. The parents see a lot of her "testing" behavior as quite normal (and are actually encouraged by it!), but the others see it as part of her "condition."

In another letter, a divorced couple with shared custody disagree about how important the child's therapy appointments are, and one of the parents often cancels appointments because "they don't seem to be making any difference."

Situations like these are, sadly, not unusual, and they serve as important reminders to all parents about the importance of teamwork and communication about your child's needs. It's always better, of course, to prevent problems from developing in the first place, but sometimes they seem to get started and get out of hand before you realize exactly what is happening!

Here are a few suggestions to think about:

1. Whenever possible, have both parents (when available) attend all meetings with doctors, teachers, therapists, and for IEP's and other planning meetings. If one parent cannot go, talk ahead of time and make sure you have a written list of the other parent's questions and concerns. If possible, tape all meetings when one parent cannot be there. Definitely take notes, and let the professionals know that you or the other parent may be calling about any missing information. After the meeting, whether just one or both of you have attended, sit down together and go over everything that happened and see if you agree on what to do next, and who's going to do what, and for how long, and when you will talk again to see how things are going.

2. If you are in a situation of divorce or separation, or just poor communication, consider having a third person meet with you both. It should be someone who can be objective, and represent your child's point of view. A teacher, therapist, doctor, or a family counselor can be very helpful in situations when the two parents have a hard time working together.

3. Consider family meetings with relatives to talk about your child: how she's doing, what kinds of help she's getting, what the different professionals say. You might want to do this at a scheduled time, like twice a year, to make sure that everyone in the extended family (and maybe even friends and neighbors) knows what is happening, knows you are working with a plan, and that you're doing fine. And if you're not doing fine, they have probably already sensed that, so it's a good time to ask for help, and there are lots of ways relatives and others may be able to help for a specified period of time. For example, if your child has to have surgery, or increased therapy appointments, you might announce that you need some extra child care, or help with errands, or a night out with your spouse. It's amazing how often people really do want to help, but don't know what to say or do.

4. Some of your relatives, or sitters, or whomever, may not come around to your way of thinking, or agree with you about your child's situation. Some will think you are being too optimistic; others may think you're being too pessimistic. Some will think you're doing too much; others have great ideas for other treatments, interventions, herbs, medications, religions you should try.

When people don't have enough information, or they don't understand the information, or they disagree with the information, they may assume YOU don't have enough information, or you don't really understand your own situation, so they are going to help you out and tell you what worked for their second cousin back East (or out West) and you should try it too.

5. If you think that some of the people in your family network are really misinformed, or uninformed, about your child's situation, here are a few ways to educate them, and enlist their support. If your child attends an early intervention or other group program, invite them to go with you to visit the program and see what happens there. If your program is one that's always needing funding, invite them to give a donation. If they're on the Internet, give them places to go to look up information about your child's diagnosis, or particular kinds of therapies or medications. If they like to read, suggest a book or two that might help them understand your child, or understand what you are going through.

6. It's easy to be irritated, even angry, at the people you want to be on your team and supporting you and your child. For a while, at least, try to think of them as a challenge. What will help them understand, to be on your child's side, and on your side? Maybe nothing will work. You can't change or influence everybody, even if you believe their thinking is really, really wrong and hurtful. Think of positive ways to draw them in. Consider them innocent and uninformed.

 

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