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How Does Your Child See You?
By Nancy Miller, Ph.D.

As a parent, you spend a lot of time observing, evaluating, worrying about, and rejoicing in your child's many behaviors, and you are probably highly sensitive to knowing when your child seems relaxed, or afraid, or needing a hug or a nap. But have you ever wondered how well your child can "read" you? Would your child be able to describe your everyday moods and behavior? Do you ever yell "don't yell" at anyone in your family? Or stamp your foot and declare "I'm NOT mad!"? You are always communicating with your child and other family members, by your words, your tone of voice, your body language, your facial expressions. Here are a few thoughts on how we communicate to our children.

How do you communicate?

You convey your thoughts and feelings by the words you use, of course, but just as important is the way you talk: your tone of voice, its volume, whether you sound patient or rushed; angry or happy. And there is your eye contact: do you look at your child when you're having a conversation, or talk while you're watching tv? Do your words say the same thing as your facial expression? Your child knows by your face whether you are bored or interested in him. Your body language communicates a lot: think of the differences in whether you lean forward with interest, sit close and touch, or whether you read a magazine while you're having lunch together.

What do you communicate?

What kinds of words do you use? Words that make your child feel competent, proud....or words that insult, ridicule, shame?

Does your child know what you like, and what is important to you?

Do you say one thing, "I'll read to you in a few minutes" and do another, like forget, or get busy with something else?

Do you make promises you don't keep? Threats you don't keep?

How often does your child see you express emotions of love, irritation, frustration, anger, excitement, disappointment, pride, joy, surprise?

When do you communicate?

You communicate all the time! During all your daily routines, such as:

Where do you communicate?

You are communicating whenever you're together. Your child notices which places make you feel distracted, tense, angry, relaxed, available. Such as: when you are together at home, in the car, in the market, at the park, at a therapy appointment, at a doctor's office.

And last but not least,

How does your child see you when you're not looking?

Your child hears you talk on the telephone...and even if he or she doesn't understand all the words, he or she often knows if it's about them, and what your feeling tone is... angry, sad, proud, excited.

Your child hears the feeling tone of conversations between you and your spouse. And your friends. And the doctor. And the teachers and therapists.

Your child watches and hears how you are with your other children.

Thinking about all this communicating can feel exhausting! Does this mean you always have to be "on your guard?" Always attentive, positive, cheerful? What about everything you have already communicated up to now? Have you ruined your child for life?

Relax... Nobody's perfect, and everybody has moments and days of communicating in tired, irritated, distracted ways. But by being aware of the small moments and interchanges, you can often be a little more focused and "present" - and often feel better afterward!

 

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