Family Issues Archives

Making Siblings Feel Special
By Nancy Miller, Ph.D.

We've been hearing from a lot of you, with some very thoughtful questions about specific family issues. Several of the questions were about siblings, so I decided to focus my thoughts in that direction this week. It's such a tender topic for parents! When you have to spend a lot of extra parenting time with a child because of medical problems, or behavioral issues, you can really feel torn apart. It's easy to feel like your other kids are being neglected (and they often communicate that message in their individual ways!), so then you feel GUILTY on top of tired, busy, and overloaded.

Here is a question from a parent who wrote about her two children (Everything is anonymous here, and I might change a few little details). If you have any typical children, you may read this and think "Oh No! She's talking about US! How did she know?" Just remember: there is always some comfort in knowing you're not alone!!! That's what support groups, and Internet magazines, and parent organizations are all about - sharing frustrations and worries and ideas and support!!

"How do I make my typical 5 year old feel ‘special’ when we're trying to deal with a medically fragile, delayed 3 year old? I can tell he really resents the ‘extra time’ his little brother gets."

Here are some thoughts that might be helpful. First, whenever I hear a sibling question, I think to myself: What would "normal" life be like with two typical kids, ages 5 and 3? First, as you might guess, it's not unusual for a 5 year old to be resentful of a 3 year old sibling in any family!! So first you think okay, part of this is normal, but it's also exaggerated because the 3 year old has a lot of illnesses and really does take more of Mom's time and attention.

A medically fragile child has extra needs, no doubt about it. You can't take time and attention away from him, but there are some things to consider here. (Look out, here comes Dr. Miller's "Mom Take Care of Yourself" message.)

1. When you're the Mom of a child with extra needs, there's often a tendency to not let others help share the care. There's such a strong maternal, protective feeling that it often doesn't feel safe to let Dad or Grandma, or friend Sue, take over for a while. You know they can't possibly provide the same attention and vigilance as you, and they don't know the little subtle differences about your child like you do. That's absolutely TRUE in many cases. But (here comes The Message): IF SOMETHING HAPPENED TO YOU, WHO WOULD TAKE CARE OF YOUR CHILD? If you pull your back, get a really bad flu, or whatever, somebody is going to HAVE to help. So Take Control: Train your spouse, relative, neighbor, friend, fellow church member in ways they can help relieve you BEFORE you Need them. And Allow them to relieve you. Even for an hour. That's an hour to spend with the five year old!!! Everybody Wins!!

2. When you're with your five year old, are you really WITH your five year old? Here's a common situation. When you're with the 3 year old (the one with Special Needs) and the phone rings, you might not answer it. Or if you're on the phone and the 3 year old cries, you say "Oops, gotta go."

Now, what happens when you're with the 5 year old (the one with special needs of a different kind) and the phone rings.... Some parents (never you, probably) say "Be right back, honey, I have to talk to whomever..." Or if you're on the phone and the 5 year old cries, you say, "Sshh, wait just a minute, I'll be right there." Now these may not be totally accurate descriptions, but you get the picture?

A lot of times 5 year olds desperately want you to be with them, but then they want to do something that you find less than enthralling, like coloring, or building with legos, or whatever doesn't turn you on. So you do it, but your mind kind of wanders; you have one ear perked for the 3 year old, or you plan dinner, or you run to the kitchen to take something out of the freezer. (Enthusiastic Parenting can be very challenging!)

Sometimes our typical kids only experience our bodies in the room, and our minds are somewhere else. There's something called "mindfulness" which simply means "being fully there." It means building a pirate ship with legos like it's the adventure of your life; or reading a story for the 500th time like it's the first; it's looking for the crayon that's the perfect shade of pink for the flower you're coloring. It's being so "with" your child that your child feels really connected. Sometimes your child may not want to talk at all... let your child lead you. Sometimes watching a video together - with him on your lap, and sharing popcorn - is a very intimate and loving time. Sometimes videos are a way of keeping a child occupied so you can get something else done. There's a big difference!

3. If the reality is your 5 year old really does get the short end of the stick, if that's the proper metaphor, then you need to get creative about stealing moments together: sit and talk to him while he's in the bathtub; make sure you have a REGULAR time together at bedtime to read a story, or at mealtime to be WITH each other; or doing some errands together. But pay attention to your child during those times!

4. Think about the QUALITY of attention you give each of your children. You are probably much more "mindful" with a sick child, or one who needs lots of extra time and effort to do typical things like eating or dressing. You praise, encourage, touch, instruct, a lot more than you probably do with your typical child. How do you look from your child's point of view? Do you have more energy, enthusiasm, intensity with the child who has Special Needs? Kids notice stuff like that.

5. Finally, your typical child is probably worried about his brother. He knows you're worried: he hears your tone of voice on the phone talking to a doctor, or Grandma; he hears both parents talking, making decisions with concern in their voices. He may not hear the words, but he sees your facial expressions, your posture. He needs reassurance that everything is okay right now, that his brother needs extra help, or medicine, or to go to the doctor to feel better, or the hospital to feel better. He needs extra comfort during those times (when you're really preoccupied the most with your other child!!) and reassurance. But not details about the medical problems.

My thoughts here are not direct recommendations for any specific family, and are not intended as professional advice. They are some thoughts gathered from experiences with many families through the years, with a few extras thrown in here and there.

 

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